Mr Squeaker crouched, like a gardener deadheading a rose

By QUENTIN LETTS
Last updated at 7:42 PM on 25th June 2009

John Bercow at first PMQs

Speaker: John Bercow tackles his first PMQs

Day two of the Squeaker Bercow experiment. His supporters, if not yet asking for their money back, may soon start tapping the box to make sure the thing is going to work.

The House is not scared of him. MPs do not respect him. Some treat him with, if not quite derision, indifference. It is as though the Speaker from the British Youth Parliament has been given a week's work experience.

Yesterday Mr Bercow's campaign manager, beery Martin Salter (Lab, Reading W), tried to cement his young man in place by saying: 'Mr Squeaker, it gives me particular pleasure to welcome you as our new reforming Squeaker.' He went on to say that 'the whole House should now get behind you'.

While Mr Salter was saying this there were groans and laughs from the Opposition. I heard someone make pretend retching sounds. When Mr Salter proceeded to ask a long question - longer than others were allowed - people shouted 'Speech!'. In other words: tell your mate Salter to shut up, Bercow. 

When trying to impose order, the Squeaker could have been a nervous driver trying to overtake a lorry. He half-rose to his feet, started to say 'order' and then sat down. He stood at a crouch - the position of a gardener deadheading a waist-high rose. Thrice did he demand better behaviour. Thrice did he go ignored.

We have a magnificence gap here. As Mr Bercow himself once whispered to me in around 2001, when we were discussing Speaker Martin's uselessness, it is possible to respect the Chair without esteeming the occupant. Yes, he was a proper little stirrer of dissent in those days, even though he now claims Mr Martin was done in by mere 'Press snobbery'.

Yesterday was his first PMQs.

Labour were quieter than normal. This may have been because they wanted to make the Squeaker's life easy. It may have been because Gordon Brown had a difficult afternoon.

The PM was all over the shop. To say that his Cabinet looked glum would be an understatement. They wear, on their faces, the alarm of passengers on the Avalanche bobsleigh coaster at Blackpool.

David Cameron, attacking Mr Brown, repeatedly used direct speech. Naughty. MPs are meant to speak 'through the Chair' (i.e. refer to one another in the third person). Mr Bercow did not upbraid Mr Cameron.

Mr Brown made a tiny slip which had the Tories barking with laughter and Labour looking even sorrier.

He was hoping to say 'it is the Liberal party that wants to cut public expenditure, not the Labour party' but in the din he said 'Conservative' instead of 'Labour'. Immediate collapse of Mr Brown's argument about Tory cuts. The Opposition's gaiety continued for ages.

The mirth was matched only when that dear old ninny Barry Gardiner (Lab, Brent N), said: 'This morning Superintendent Simon Corkill from Wembley police station telephoned me...' Poor Barry. He was trying to introduce some drop in the crime statistics. Instead he simply made himself sound like a crime suspect.

The House surged with hilarity. Mr Brown's parliamentary aide, Jon Trickett, almost did the nose trick.

Later, during a debate on the Iraq Inquiry, we had two vintage speeches. The first came from William Hague - fluent, fast, filleting the Government's reluctance to drag this inquiry into the open.

The second was from George Galloway (Respect, Bethnal Green), who demolished the 'parade of Establishment flunkeys' appointed to the inquiry. 'Forgive me if I am a little more rebarbative than some of the politesse we have heard today,' said Mr Galloway.

Not at all, George. Please be as rude as you like. The problem with this place is the gloopy consensus.

Mr Galloway noted that the only parliamentarian on the inquiry, Lady Prashar, was 'a woman I have never heard of'. Why was there no place on the inquiry for 'real politicians' such as Bob Marshall-Andrews or Sir Ming Campbell or Lord Hurd?

Mr Galloway's speech drilled a lot closer to the root of Parliament's crisis than any of Squeaker Bercow's recent witterings.

 

Here's what readers have had to say so far. Why not add your thoughts below, or debate this issue live on our message boards.

Westminster no longer stande for integrity and honour. It is now ruled by thieves and liars who are only interested in how much they can screw you and me for.

Click to rate     Rating   25

Is Quentin Letts planning to give up an update on the sacked Speaker, to let us know if he's attending the Commons as a back-bencher or if he's sulking at home until he loses his job at the next general election?

Click to rate     Rating   15

Does anybody know - is Mr Bercow no longer an MP? And has a by-election been called in his constituency? This info hasn't been covered very closely. Thanks.

Click to rate     Rating   14

I heard someone make pretend retching sounds. 
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Isn't it time our MP's started acting like adults instead of prep school idiots.

Click to rate     Rating   8

The simple fact is this speaker comes with baggage of flipping his main home, 
nothing more needs to said. In my eyes he is and always will be a crook, a crook who has been rewarded handsomely with tax payer's money by the other Labour crooks. They just don't get it and they never will. Let's hope the voting public remember all this come the next election. Some independent should stand against this odious man so we can be rid of him too.

Click to rate     Rating   46

I watched Prime Ministers Questions yesterday and wonder if Quentin Letts was watching the same thing as me because I think he did a reasonable job. Most parliamentary commentators have said the same. 

He kept order well and was equal to both sides in his discipline 

I would recommend you watch it yourselves and make up your own mind. You might agree or disagree with me or Quentin but you should watch it first before passing judgment.

Click to rate     Rating   31

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